Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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