Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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