you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
