when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
