I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
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I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
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Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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