R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
