What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
