I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
