if you like me you must not know who I am
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
