sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
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Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
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I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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