saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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