I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
