I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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