I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
