And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
