So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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