I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
