he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
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I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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