I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I puked a lego.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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