i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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