I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
