They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
