it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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