I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize