mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
