She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
