remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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