good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
