thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
