WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
