My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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