I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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