I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
