Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
