dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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