i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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