Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
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They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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