i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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