I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
