The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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