can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
