I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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