I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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