Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
