I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
