I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
