at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
