Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
