dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
