Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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