I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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