Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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