Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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