I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
