how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
