Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
