im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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