I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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