wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
