Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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