I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
